When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Don’t snitch tag.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
This pepper has seen some shit