When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
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Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.