When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming