When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
You Might Also Like
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.