When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
So sick of all these stupid rules
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie