When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
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Pizza is an emotion right?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am