when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.