When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
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Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My first son he is wonderful
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Holy crap this is wonderful
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check