When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.