When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
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JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Saturday
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.