When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“OMGJK” -atheists
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.