When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb