when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together