When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden


I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.


I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.


Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store


Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.


Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.


“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.


Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.


girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.


Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.