When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
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Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Sorry I made promises on Friday
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.