@MythicPicnic

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

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@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@Thynebear

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

@Brohamulet

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

@oldfriend99

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

@JoParkerBear

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

@Maxine12333

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

@iamdevloper

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

@OmgMeDamnit

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

@tonyhawk

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

@JohnLyonTweets

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.