When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS