When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Comparing yourself to others
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Attacked by a mop.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes