When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring