When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.