When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
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Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
oh you like road-trips? name every road then