When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..