When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story