When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
You Might Also Like
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.