When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
You Might Also Like
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
#polloftheday
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
worst…sale…ever
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.