When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Twitter fine art
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.