When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
seems like a niche market
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.