When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
😅😅😅
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild