When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?