When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.