When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
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Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
The news in a nutshell.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm