When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
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Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Have kids, they said
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK