When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world