When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*launders Kohls cash*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
put ‘er there pardner!
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house