When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
termite twitter scares me
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.