When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.


Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”


Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.


Him: Fishing


crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle


How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?


I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though


if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity


My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.


I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.