When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
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Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?