@Magoosback

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

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@thejessbess

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

@FatherofTweet

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

@Book_Krazy

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

@zacharyflynn

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

@meganamram

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

@pradacid

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

@PyJamieParty

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.