when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.