When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.