When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
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A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
BETRAYAL
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.