When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
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Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I can’t wait!
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with