When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Not messing around
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works