When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.