When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My five year plan is a meteorite
January has been Januweary
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.