when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU