when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.