When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
subtitles are so good nowadays
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish