When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Who called it baking and not making love
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*