when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
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Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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