When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Does it…does it take 3 days
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
beware of dog
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!