When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
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Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie