When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth