When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
You Might Also Like
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?